So if you're a Game of Thrones junkie looking to learn a bit about our political landscape, or a political junkie who got lost on the deeeeeeeeeep web, have we got a treat for you! Your official Thrones Character/Presidential Candidate Comprehensive Comparison starts with where we stand now...
Barack Obama as Tommen Baratheon
The lame ducks! Hard to imagine these two people all that similar unless Tommen has a killer crossover. But hear me out. The root of the boy king's problems this season stemmed from his passiveness, not using the military might behind him to wipe out the Sparrows before they festered out of his control. Talk to you average liberal, and they'll probably express some disappointment in the Obama Administration because he didn't fight back against Republican politicking quite enough. I'm not one of the imbeciles who thinks Obama has sunk America like Tommen has done to King's Landing, but there's no denying he could have done more.
Mitt Romney as Catelyn Stark
Fans of the show are quick to forget about Cat. But for three seasons, she was a key player. It's only fitting we compare her to the man who came up short last time around, and is now squarely out of the picture. They both came so far, only for it to come to a brutal end in a Red Wedding and/or a blowout in November of 2012.
There were hints we might see them again, between Romney's rumors of running again and Lady Stoneheart (if you're a fan and don't know, it's probably best not to click). But it's fair to say neither of them will be in the picture any time soon.
John McCain as Eddard Stark
Same shit, different election/season.
Ted Cruz as Ramsay Bolton
If you had to name the Presidential hopeful most likely to cut off a man's cock, it has to be good ol' Teddy.
And let's be real. If Ted Cruz was put in the White House, he'd do unspeakable things to the United States similar to what Ramsay did to Sansa. Fortunately for the real world, Cruz is a lot stupider and far less conniving than the Bolton bastard. So while Ramsay never seems to go away, I'm confident Ted will be out of the picture soon.
Donald Trump as Petyr Baelish
Pure Evil. Both of them. And both enjoy their fair share of chaos. Littlefinger uses it as his ladder to continue his steady climb towards the top. Trump uses the disorder going on in his brain to run into ungodly sums of money (don't forget when we first met Lord Baelish he was King Robert's Master of Coin).
The issue with both of them: when you're so hungry for power, what happens at the point you actually attain it? When your goal is to ravenously pursue power for power's sake, you usually don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to actually ruling people. And one look at Trump's stance on immigration should tell you about how few fucks he gives when it comes to reasonable policy making.
Mike Huckabee as Stannis Baratheon
Their connection is rather simple: both use religion as a crutch, to the point that it will bring (or already has brought) their downfall. Huckabee is against abortion, even in the case of rape or incest. And Stannis must be pro-life, otherwise the queef monster birthed by Melisandre never could have killed his brother Renly. And speaking of killing, the former Arkansas Governor loves the death penalty. I think we're all familiar with how Stannis feels about it.
Bottom line, sticking to your guns is admirable. But if you want to win, you need a multi-faceted skill set. Even if we can't quite confirm Stannis is dead (it didn't happen on screen!!!) his campaign for the Iron Throne is long gone, just as Mike Huckabee's is for the White House.
Dr. Ben Carson as Maester Qyburn
For all of the crazy shit that comes out of his mouth, I'd still trust Dr. Carson with my life. Brain surgery is no easy feat. But neither is resurrecting a dude a got stabbed with a poison spear. I don't support either of these two based on their overall life stances, but it's impossible to deny their skills.
Rand Paul as Jaime Lannister
A lot of similarities here, but incest probably isn't one of them (although the relationship he and plenty of other Republicans had with the Duggars makes you wonder). They're both children of major political figures who both influenced them heavily, but not in in the ways they might have hoped.
Ron Paul never came near the power Tywin Lannister reached, despite having some admirable qualities. Even though Rand may share those with him, he's tailored back most of them in the campaigning he's done so far. He probably has to do it to stay in the primary race, but it's left those who enjoy his stance on the NSA in a quandary.
Fans of Jaime feel the same way. His overbearing father gave him wit and talent. And someone else must have given him his charm and passion, because by Gods--old and new--it wasn't Tywin. But for all of that, let's not forget he tried to kill a 10-year-old by pushing him out a window one of the very first times we saw him. No matter how you feel about the young Paul or Lannister, it's impossible not to acknowledge their other sides.
Rick Perry as Jorah Mormont
For their inability to ever give up, and not in the good way. Both of these guys need to accept defeat and descend into the abyss.
Look, Jorah had a nice thing going with the friendzone rom com angle for the first few seasons, but as soon as he was caught spying he should've dropped it. And when he contracted greyscale? You've got to be kidding me. If he truly loved his queen as selflessly as he claims to, why would you go back anywhere near her once you've been INFECTED WITH A NEARLY INCURABLE DISEASE THAT'S RUMORED TO SPREAD ON CONTACT? It's foolish and will bring down everyone around him if he isn't careful.
Perry won't be that destructive, but his unwavering persistence makes this comp work. That, and he might have greyscale of whatever part of the brain processes language.
Marco Rubio as Jon Snow
I'm still struggling to talk about the Lord Commander after the end of Season 5, so this section on two key players will be surprisingly brief. Simply put, Rubio is a young, disruptive force within his party in that he's a moderate Republican. Jon Snow is a disruptive force within the Night's Watch in that he's smart.
The Floridian Senator had been pushing for immigration reform for years, working to pass a wide-sweeping bill that, yes, would put the clampdown on illegal migration. But it would also allow for any undocumented workers already here to make their way towards citizenship. He'd gone across the Wall between Democrats and Republicans plenty of times to do it too. While a progressive and practical idea, it doesn't sit well with the Trump-loving base.
Jon Snow stuck to his plan for mass migration from north to south, and has remained committed to it right up until...
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Jeb Bush as Cersei Lannister
Imagine the monk lady in Cersei's walk of shame, but screaming a different word: Bush! Bush! Bush! That would've made for an interesting undertone if they had chosen a slightly hairier body double.
The comparison comes down to family legacies. And both Jeb and Cersei are working diligently to maintain the line of power. For the queen regent, that means being as much like her dead father as possible. The only problem is that she's not nearly as tactful in her decision-making. You could see from a mile away how allying with the Faith Militant would backfire on her, and yet she chose to do it anyway because it provided a short-term satisfaction. Her most recent scene with Lady Olenna completely encompassed her problems; Cersei's trying to play Tywin's game, but just doesn't have nearly enough skill.
Okay, Jeb Bush! While Cersei struggles to be as much like her father as possible, the younger Bush brother is doing just the opposite. When your brother leaves office with just a 35% approval rating, it's hard to figure his younger brother would make any dent in the Republican primaries. Then again, this is the same country that voted for Grover Cleveland in two nonconsecutive terms, so I suppose anything is possible.
Hillary Clinton as Tyrion Lannister
The respective leaders in the clubhouse. Obviously, Tyrion doesn't have any way to claim the Iron Throne for himself, but that doesn't mean he isn't winning. In Westeros, you win by surviving, and the little Lannister has proven himself to be the best of the best. He's fended off wildlings, led the Battle of Blackwater Bay (which also featured an attempted assassination on him), been charged with attempted murder and successful murder in separate cases, been sentenced to death, been ambushed by stone men, been captured by a dwarf-cock-obsessed slaver, and been sold into slavery. All that, and he's still managed to land himself a role as chief adviser to Queen Dany.
This guy is anyone's best bet at winning, just like Hillary Clinton, for better and worse. Sure, I'll be okay if Hillary's in the White House come 2017 just as we all kind of expect, but I won't be thrilled about it either. But among the front runners, she's the least likely to do heavy damage. She has plenty of good ideas and says all the right things, but a vote for Hillary is the strongest support for the status quo there is. By voting for her, you've already given up on the notion that the political landscape can improve; you're just praying it doesn't get worse.
Let's be real. We're probably looking at either another Clinton in the White House, which would make six of the last eight presidential terms with either a Clinton or Bush. I'll get off the soap box shortly, but maybe it's time for someone else. We complain so openly about the current political landscape, and justifiably so. But then why not put your stock in someone, I don't know, different? If you're like me and actually want a different White House, and not the same old variation of a suit sucking on the teats of lobbyists, there's only one clear choice...
Bernie Sanders as Daenerys Stormborn the Unburnt Queen of the Andals Mother of Dragons Breaker of Chains Khaleesi Targaryen
The only difference here is you won't have seen Sanders naked. But if you read some of his early work, you might be able to envision it...
Selfishly, these are my personal favorites. Unselfishly, these are the rulers their respective societies need, not the ones they deserve. Frankly, I'm not sure either of them have a great chance, but they're each the best answer.
A lot of candidates say the right things when they talk about reinvigorating America's middle class. Most of them do it to whore out for votes and never actually make changes once in office. But Bernie Sanders ain't bluffing. He's old enough to remember when a middle class actually existed, and he's not afraid to call out rich dickwads like the Waltons and the Koch Brothers to get his point across. Throw in his views on climate change, and foreign policy, and the fact that he's not an autodrone politician, and you can tell where my vote's going.
As far as the lady with a shitton of names (I think I got them all), well, we all know how she feels about political cycles.
So that's it! I probably missed a few fringe Republican candidates, but I'm sure it's to your satisfaction. And I hope, if nothing else, this inspires you to go vote. I used to think it was cool to abstain, but then I realized the error of my ways through some dream-like epiphany. Maybe it was a message from the Three-Eyed Raven.
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